"Let the deep pockets of uncertainty be your guide to deeper devotion. Loving yourself through every dip and rising emotion. Just like the waves you were born to crash, knowing that Love will always bring you back" -from my journal yesterday
We all feel a little crazy, hazy, and lazy sometimes. It's important in these times to listen to the conch shell of your soul. Listen to the delicate whispers, breathe intentionally and feel pulsing waves of relaxation as you give the fuck up. We all want more. We are all striving for those desires that keep us awake at night with ecstatic joy. We are all are sick of not doing things we are passionate about, we are sick of being a part of a machine destroying Earth, we are sick of being sick. I am a human with wild imaginings, whose dreams and desires sometimes ooze with such loving excitement that I could possibly explode. Ahhh I want to travel and create music in gardens and establish connective grids of humans ready to create a happier and healthier world. I want to own a business where it's our job to what's best for the Earth using our unique creativity. I want to create art that touches the heart and purifies the soul back to it's origins. I want to live in a community with all of my amazing friends and grow spiral gardens. I want to be a part of all the solutions blossoming on our planet and bask in the beauty of sunsets with no worries. I want to bring back the culture of the American Indians who walked on this land before me. I want all people to be fed, safe, and to feel the love of creation.
But for today, I just want to feel okay. Because I don't see the path for some of these things right now. Or I do see the path but it feels overwhelming. It feels like I have no idea what I am doing. It feels like I have been wanting these things for a long time and yet they still are spinning in outer space somewhere. Today, I just want to have enough money to feed myself. Right now, I just want to not crave potato chips. Today, I just want to feel some sort of direction in the chaos. Today, I just want to feel okay, okay?
And I am okay. I had enough money to buy rainbow chard from Sylvia at the farmers market. I woke up in a warm cozy bed with birds whistling outside my window. I have a super sweet dog and an even sweeter mom. I had chamomile and lemongrass tea. I work at a job where I get to frame really cool artwork and I found things in the trash I could make art from. The library in my town is amazing and has a lot of resources. The weather is nice.
What is it that makes us feel so awful sometimes? What is it that makes us want to zone out and binge watch Netflix just to get our minds off of our self pity, anxiety, worry and doubt?
I might have a little answer developed from law of attraction books and my own experience of ups and downs. The better things are, the deeper the dreams, the higher the excitements means that when you are feeling down you are waaay down. This is the vibrational wave metaphor: the higher the wave the deeper the dive. The whole world feels like it's crashing t when you stub your toe in the morning. Every idea that once sounded like the best idea in the world now sounds like the dumbest, most illogical, most outrageous mind goo ever construed. And when I get into these states, my sweet sly little mind says "ah ha these feelings you are feeling right now mean that you shouldn't go for that dream, it's a sign from the universe that this is not your path." Does any of this sound familiar?
So how do we know, where to go? Which way to turn, what step to follow? How do we know what is intuition and what is fear? Truth is, you don't freakin know! You don't know what's going to work and what's not. You don't know if this is your path or if it's not. The even deeper truth is that you say you don't know where to go, but you are always going somewhere. You also won't know where to go until you go. If you are lost and just plop down in the forest and don't move, you are never going to find the way out. Don't know which way to turn? I am sure there are scenic views along any path you choose. It's not the choice part we need to get stuck on, it's the journey that makes it all worth it. So you go forth with something and it sucks. Woohoo now you finally know for sure that is not what you want to do. What if your head is spinning in a million different directions and you don't know what to focus on? Focus on something. Give it your full and undivided loving attention. If it's meant to be, it will stay. This is the advice I am giving myself and if it resonates with you too, woohoo. I am a person who doesn't commit to things because I am not the most grounded person and I love so many things at once. But the list of dreams I had at the beginning are totally possible. And just because they aren't here RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND doesn't mean they aren't happening. From now on, or at least for the next 30 seconds, I am going to take actions and feel the good vibes that say all of this will be because it already exists. God wouldn't have given you the dream if you couldn't make it happen. I am going to move forward, make waves, crash, and try again. Because everything is the path. Every turn you make is right because we are moving in a circle. I'm going to feel fear, I am going to fail, but I am going to rise every day like the sunrise and say it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to just play today. It's okay if I don't know whether I should stay. It's okay. It's all okay. Where you are right now is perfect. Soak in the little moments. Believe that your dreams (or an even better version created by the divine) are coming true. Trust the unfolding like flowers trust the sun. And for every dream you have this spring, plant a seed. And let that dream take as much time as it needs. But don't starve it from water just because it hasn't bloomed yet. We are on divine time. Believe that an infinite source knows your dreams and wants them for you as much as you do. We can do this. Go buy some rainbow chard and watch clouds and maybe plan a trip to the ocean. The time is now for loving devotion. For even if you crash, Love always has your back.
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